Nine Lives
by Carmelita Malbletto
Summary: Walter dies - over and over again.  Dedicated to Jamie  in honor of our constant Walter bashing.


**Life 1**

Shirley and Walter are fighting in the foyer of their eloquent home.

**Shirley:** Get out of my house!

**Walter:** But, babycakes...

**Shirley:** I said OUT!

**Walter: **Can't we work this out?

**Shirley: **No! You're a liar and a cheat! I never want to see you again! Get OUT!

Shirley opens the door and shoves Walter out, throwing his suitcase out behind him. He flies headfirst onto the stone sidewalk and cracks his head wide open. Such an impact would kill a normal human being, but miraculously, Walter awakens, virtually unharmed. He rises from the sidewalk and begins to pick up his scattered clothes from the wet lawn as blood pours from the gaping wound in his head. After he has collected his clothes, he hops into his red Ferrari and begins to quickly drive away.

**Life 2**

Walter is cruising down the highway, defying the laws of physics by maintaining his meticulous driving skills at a speed of 107 mph. He laughs diabolically as dozens of cop cars try to catch up with him but crash simultaneously into one big heap of metal.

**Walter: **(_looking in the rear view mirror_) Mwahahaha! And you thought you could stop me? Walter Meeney is indestructib...

***CRASH***

Unfortunately for Walter, he crashes his Ferrari into a Segway.

**Walter: **What was that?

Paul Blart rebounds from the pavement, still standing on his Segway.

**Paul Blart:** Halt, in the name of classic television! I am Paul Blart: mall cop – here to save the world from lowlife dirtbags like you! Sir, do you know how fast you were driving?

**Walter: **Why should I care, you pudgy little troll? Get out of my way!

Walter smashes into Paul Blart and his Segway once more.

**Paul Blart: **Hey! This Segway is mall property! Not only am I putting you in the slammer for reckless driving, but I'm also suing you for devastation of property!

**Walter: **Wanna bet, Jackie Gleason?

**Paul Blart: **What kind of moronic insult is that?

**Walter: **It's the result of a gaping head wound and a preponderance of annoyance, namely you!

**Paul Blart: **(_speaking into his walkie-talkie_) Boys, we're taking him in.

Upon viewing the cop cars that are heading toward him from all directions, Walter panics. Knowing that he can't escape, he crashes his Ferrari through the concrete shoulder of the highway, sending the car plummeting over the side.

**Paul Blart: **(_yelling after him_) Hey! You can't do that!

Walter, who is not wearing a seatbelt, is thrown from his convertible as it falls three-hundred feet and crashes onto the roadway below, bursting into flames. Walter lands flat on his face on the pavement and is subsequently flattened by a Mack truck.

**Walter: **(_smooshed down into the cement like a Looney Tunes character_) Oww!

Surprisingly, Walter is able to peel himself from the cement and recovers from the accident. Assuming that Walter has been toasted in the fiery inferno of his car, Paul Blart does not hunt him down.

**Walter: **(_gazing in shock at his burning convertible_) I've got to get out of here!

Walter begins to sprint down the road.

**Life 3**

After sprinting for 0.0001 miles, Walter becomes exasperated and slows to an easy walk.

**Walter: **(_doubling over in exhaustion_) Whew! That was a blinger!

A blue Porsche pulls up beside him.

**Paris Hilton: **Hey, hottie! Need a ride?

**Walter: **(_entranced by her bimbo-ness_) Uhhh...yeah.

Walter gets in the passenger seat of the car.

**Paris Hilton: **I'm Paris. I'm filthy rich and famous for no apparent reason. Do you have any booze?

**Walter: **(_pulling a small bottle from the pocket of his Armani suit_) I never go anywhere without it.

**Paris Hilton: **(_grabbing the bottle_) That's hot.

**Walter: **So are you.

**Paris Hilton: **You're naughty! Who are you?

**Walter: **I'm Walter Meeney. I'm a doctor. (_grins cheesily_)

**Paris Hilton: **Like...do you know Dr. Oz?

**Walter: **(_his grin fades into a frown_) Who's Dr. Oz?

**Paris Hilton: **I think he has a line of shoes at Wal-Mart. Do you know what Wal-Mart is? I thought it sold walls, but I guess it sells...like...cheap clothing.

**Walter: **Bleh. Who cares about "Wal-Mart?" It could never compare to the greatness that is Sir Walter Meeney.

**Paris Hilton: **That's hot.

Paris drives over a pothole, spilling Walter's booze all over her $300 shirt.

**Paris Hilton: **Oh my God! Get me a tissue out of my purse! Quick, idiot!

As Walter begins to open Paris's Gucci tote bag, he hears a loud snarling noise and jumps back in fear.

**Walter: **Your purse wants to eat me!

**Paris Hilton: **(_rolling her eyes_) Are you for real? That's Tinkerbell, my chihuahua. (_taking the dog out of her purse_) Say hi, Tinkerbell!

The dog lunges at Walter, sinking its teeth into his left arm. Walter begins to scream little a little girl.

**Walter: **AHHH! Get it off of me!

**Paris Hilton: **Oooops, I forgot. Tinkerbell hates men.

**Walter: **GET IT OFF!

Paris pulls the car over and attempts to yank Tinkerbell from Walter's arm; however, the vicious dog's muscular strength overpowers the strength of her flabby arms. Tinkerbell goes berserk, brutally attacking Walter and leaving his body covered in gaping flesh wounds. Finally, the dog ceases.

**Walter: **(_weak from a severe loss of blood_) Call 911!

**Paris Hilton: **Ewww! You're getting blood all over my seats! Get out of my car!

Paris opens the door and pushes Walter out into the ditch. She then speeds away, squealing her tires and leaving behind a cloud of dust.

**Walter: **(_lying in the ditch_) But...but...

Walter passes out.

**Life 4**

Walter wakes up in the ditch. Miraculously, his wounds have completely healed.

**Walter: **I'm...I'm...still alive?

Lost and confused, Walter meanders aimlessly down the side of the road. Suddenly, he notices a bottle lying in the ditch.

**Walter: **(_picking up the bottle_) Mmm, Vodka! There is a God!

He uncorks the bottle. However, to his surprise, the bottle contains neither Vodka or any other type of alcoholic beverage. A large puff of pink smoke radiates from the bottle, and Walter begins to cough. The cloud of smoke dissipates to reveal a blonde woman, standing with her arms crossed and a large smile on her face.

**Jeannie: **Master!

**Walter: **(_looking around_) Are you talking to me?

**Jeannie: **Yes! You rescued me, and for that, I am forever grateful! I am eternally indebted to you!

**Walter: **Why? Because I opened that stupid little bottle? Believe me, I thought it was alcohol.

**Jeannie: **(_hurt_) But Master, that is not a nice thing to say about one's home!

**Walter: **Ehh...go away, lady. I'd rather die of starvation in this dumpy ditch than have to listen to your big fat mouth all day long.

**Jeannie: **(_gasps_) Master! You are a very angry man! But I shall change this. I shall grant your every wish.

**Walter: **Yeah, right. And I can heal the blind.

**Jeannie: **Really? Master, you are very talented!

**Walter: **(_rolls eyes_) Alright, then. If you can grant wishes, let's see you do it! I wish for a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Jeannie folds her arms and nods her head.

***ZING***

A bottle of Jack Daniels appears in Walter's hands.

**Walter: **This is incredible! I wish that I had my Ferrari back.

***ZING***

Walter's Ferrari materializes on the road.

**Jeannie: **Do you desire anything more?

**Walter: **(_pauses to think_) Why didn't I think of this before? I wish that I were in my house again!

***ZING***

Walter and Jeannie appear in the foyer of Walter and Shirley's home.

**Walter: **Ahh, home sweet home.

Shirley enters from the living room.

**Shirley: **Walter! How did you get back in here? I changed the locks!

**Jeannie: **Pardon me, Miss, but it was I who let him in. You see, I am a magical genie. I am obliged to grant his every wish.

**Shirley: **Oh, really? A genie, huh? Why would a genie want to help this scumburger? He lied to me! He cheated on me! He...(_breaks down crying_)

**Jeannie: **Master! How dare you treat this sweet woman that way!

**Walter: **I...I...well, it doesn't matter! I have a genie now! I can do whatever I want! Mwahahaha! (_continues to laugh diabolically_)

**Jeannie: **Not anymore! I officially resign as your genie, you despicable creature! I banish you to the lowest, most terrifying, most disgusting location on this earth – Shady Pines Retirement Home!

**Walter: **No! Anything but that! Please – kill me first!

**Jeannie: **(_shrugs_) As you wish.

***ZING***

Jeannie sends Walter to a crocodile-infested swamp, where his head is subsequently chomped off by one of its toothy residents.

**Life 5**

Walter somehow still manages to wake up in Shady Pines Retirement Home.

**Walter: **Damn genie!

**Sophia Petrillo: **Who the hell are you?

**Walter: **(_arrogantly_) I am Walter Meeney, doctor extraordinaire.

**Sophia Petrillo: **Fine. Hey, schmuck, come here a minute.

Walter walks over to Sophia.

**Sophia Petrillo: **(_handing a rope to Walter that is made of bed sheets_) Hold this.

Walter takes one end of the rope, and Sophia throws the other end out the window.

**Sophia Petrillo: **Let go of that, and I'll make sure they cut off your supply of Preparation H.

Sophia begins to climb out the window. Walter holds the rope in confusion.

**Sophia Petrillo: **Thanks for helping - I'll send you a fruit basket.

As Sophia climbs further down the rope, she realizes that it is too short to reach the ground. She dangles from the rope, hanging thirty feet above the ground.

**Sophia Petrillo: **Oh well. (_jumps_) Geronimo!

Sophia lands in a haystack.

**Sophia Petrillo: **Hay? So that's what they've been putting in the Minestrone. (_yelling up at the window_) Hey, yutz! You can pull up the rope now!

Walter obediently collects the rope.

**Walter: **(_to himself_) That's one scary old crone.

Frasier Crane runs frantically into the room.

**Frasier Crane: **(_in a panic, to Walter_) Have you seen a short, vindictive woman with a wicker purse?

**Walter: **Maybe. Why?

**Frasier Crane: **She drugged my tea and ran out of her weekly therapy session!

**Walter: **Well, I don't care...

**Frasier Crane: **(_noticing the rope_) Hey! What are you holding?

Frasier runs over to the window and notices that Sophia is in the back lawn, shuffling away at her maximum speed. Taking his state-of-the-art 1996 Nokia CX25 out of his pocket, he calls the Shady Pines Volunteer Police Brigade.

**Frasier Crane: **(_speaking into the phone_) Surround the premises! We have a fugitive on the prowl!

Frasier hangs up the phone.

**Frasier Crane: **(_to Walter_) And you're not going anywhere! You're under arrest for your contributions to that bitty's delinquency!

**Walter: **(_going to the window_) Oh, yeah?

Walter jumps out the window. He plummets toward the earth, gaining speed with each passing second. But alas, Walter does not land in the haystack. He hits the ground with a loud *THUMP*; however, unfortunately, the power of his weighty arrival breaks open the surface of the earth, allowing Walter to plunge into the planet's molten core. A small *YELP* is heard as Walter fades into oblivion.

**Life 6**

Walter awakens on the doorstep of a strange porch. [_Arsenic and Old Lace_]

**Walter: **(_frustrated_) Why can't I die already?

Bewildered, Walter walks to the door and rings the doorbell. After a few moments, an unusual man in an antiquated army uniform answers the door.

"**Teddy Roosevelt": **(_adjusting his glasses_) Yes?

**Walter: **Can I use your phone?

"**Teddy Roosevelt": **(_insulted_) That is certainly no way to address the President!

**Walter: **President? Of what? Hostess Cupcakes?

"**Teddy Roosevelt": **I do declare!

**Abby Brewster: **(_in the background_) Teddy! Who is it?

"**Teddy Roosevelt": **A disgruntled dissident! (_pauses_) I haven't time for this! I must go make plans for the Panama Canal!

"Teddy Roosevelt" walks away and pauses before running frantically up the stairs.

"**Teddy Roosevelt": **CHARGE!

Abby Brewster comes to the door.

**Abby Brewster: **You'll have to excuse my brother. You see, he won't "be" anyone but Teddy Roosevelt. We're accustomed to it.

**Walter: **(_unamused_) Can I just use your phone and get out of this nuthouse?

**Abby Brewster: **Yes. Come in, won't you, Mister...?

**Walter: **Meeney.

Walter walks in the house.

**Abby Brewster: **(_motioning toward the phone_) The telephone is over there. Tell me, sonny, do you have any family?

**Walter: **(_with aggravation_) Not anymore. Why do you care?

**Abby Brewster: **Oh, no reason.

Walter picks up the old-fashioned phone and begins to dial. Meanwhile, Abby hurries into the kitchen to speak with her sister Martha.

**Martha Brewster: **Have we a guest?

**Abby Brewster: **Yes! A Mister Meeney. The poor dear – he has no family! He's become a very bitter man. He really needs to be put out of his misery. (_coming to an epiphany_) Martha! Mister Meeney should be our next victim!

**Martha Brewster: **Lovely idea! I'll get the gooseberry wine.

**Abby Brewster: **Right-o! Let's go, Martha!

The two sisters walk out of the kitchen and into the living room, where Walter is fumbling with the telephone.

**Walter: **(_yelling into the phone_) That number is too in service! (_hangs up angrily_)

**Abby Brewster: **Oh, dear! Mr. Meeney, you look like you could use some wine!

**Walter: **(_intrigued_) Wine? You have wine?

**Abby Brewster: **Why, yes! It's our special gooseberry wine! My sister Martha and I make it ourselves! Would you like to try some?

**Walter: **As long as it's alcoholic.

Martha grabs the gooseberry wine from the cabinet and pours Walter a glass.

**Martha Brewster: **Tell me how you like it.

**Walter: **(_sipping the wine_) Hey, this is great! The aftertaste is really biting. (_takes another sip_)

**Martha Brewster: **I'm glad that you're enjoying it!

**Walter: **(_suddenly_ _setting down the glass_)I feel strange...

**Martha Brewster: **Maybe you're just not used to the alcohol, dearie.

**Walter: **(_wheezing_) I'm...I'm...(_coughs_)

Walter dies.

**Abby Brewster: **Oh, goody! Martha, help me carry Mr. Meeney over to the windowseat. Mortimer will be home soon, and we can't let him see what we've done.

**Martha Brewster: **Good idea!

Abby and Martha carry Walter's body over to the windowseat and place him inside it. As soon as they have finished, Mortimer Brewster walks through the front door.

**Mortimer Brewster: **Good morning!

**Abby Brewster: **(_flustered_) Oh! Good morning, Mortimer!

**Mortimer Brewster: **What's wrong, Aunt Abby? Don't tell me that there's another body in the windowseat.

**Abby Brewster: **Of course not, Mortimer!

**Mortimer Brewster: **Good. (_pauses_) Would you two ladies mind fixing me a sandwich? I am starving.

**Abby Brewster: **We'd love to! Come on, Martha!

Martha and Abby Brewster exit into the kitchen.

**Mortimer Brewster: **(_to himself_) I hope that they weren't lying. Maybe I should check.

Mortimer carefully opens the lid of the windowseat. To his horror, he discovers the body of Walter Meeney.

**Mortimer Brewster: **(_gasps_) There's another body in the windowseat!

To prevent the incarceration of his dear aunties, Mortimer takes charge of the situation. He slings Walter's body over his left shoulder and runs out into the crowded streets of Brooklyn, looking for a sensible place to leave the body. After a thorough search of the landscape, Mortimer decides to leave Walter's body in the open trunk of a random station wagon.

**Mortimer Brewster: **(_speaking to Walter's body_) Sorry, old pal.

Mortimer shuts the trunk and sprints back home, where his two aunts are just placing his freshly made tuna sandwich on the dining room table. Meanwhile, the owner of the station wagon hops into the front seat of his vehicle and drives away, taking Walter's body along with him.

**Life 7**

Walter wakes up in a hideous, wood-paneled den.

**Walter: **Where am I?

Alice Nelson enters the room.

**Alice Nelson: **(_screaming_) MR. BRADY! He's awake!

Mike Brady runs into the room.

**Mike Brady: **(_smiling_) Hello! How are you feeling?

**Walter: **Terrible. How did I wind up in this sunshiney snake pit?

**Mike Brady: **(_chuckling_) Oh, my! You must have been through quite an ordeal! My family and I discovered you sleeping in the trunk of our station wagon and decided to bring you home with us.

**Walter: **I'd rather be dead.

**Mike Brady: **Come on! You have to meet the family! (_yelling into the kitchen_) Carol! Kids!

Carol, Greg, Marcia, Peter, Jan, Bobby, and Cindy Brady enter the room.

**The entire Brady clan: **(_smiling and in unison_)Hi!

**Walter: **Oh, God, no...

**Cindy Brady: **(_holding out a doll_) Hi, Mister! I want you to meet my friend, Kitty Carry All!

**Walter: **Are you insane? That hideous thing is just a childish toy. Why don't you throw it in the trash?

**Cindy Brady: **(_crying_) MOMMY!

**Greg Brady: **Hey! Who are you to speak to my little sister like that?

**Walter: **(_arrogantly_) I can speak to her in whatever manner I please. After all, I _am_ Walter Meeney!

**Peter Brady: **Hey! You're a jerk!

**Marcia Brady: **Yeah! Stinky McStink-face!

**Carol Brady: **Marcia! Watch your language!

**Mike Brady: **Sir, I'm afraid that I'm going to have to ask you leave.

**Walter: **It would be my pleasure, really.

As Walter gets up from the couch and begins to leave the room, Bobby opens the back door so that Tiger, the family dog, can enter the house.

**Bobby Brady: **Get him, Tiger!

Tiger barks loudly. Walter, who has a great fear of furry creatures, screams and scurries out of the living room, running through the kitchen and into the living room, where he accidentally knocks over an odd-looking vase. He sprints to the door and runs out into the street, and Tiger follows him. Tiger soon catches up with Walter and bites him in the backside, causing Walter to scream in pain. Upon hearing Walter's shriek, the entire neighborhood runs out into the street.

**Darrin Stephens: **(_running toward Walter_) Are you okay?

**Walter: **(_screaming_) NO! GET THE MUTT OFF OF ME!

**Darrin Stephens: **Samantha! Get the dog off of him!

**Samantha Stephens: **But, Darrin, I thought you didn't want me to use witchcraft!

**Darrin Stephens: **Well, this is emergency!

**Samantha Stephens: **Forces of witchcraft, all that's berserk – get the dog off of that jerk! (_twitches her nose_)

Tiger disappears as the gang of neighbors watches in amazement.

**Walter: **What a lame rhyme!

**Samantha Stephens: **Well, pardon me! I didn't make it up!

**Walter: **Who did?

**Samantha Stephens: **Carmelita.

**Walter: **Who's Carmelita? Never mind – I couldn't care less. Just be sure to tell her that she needs some professional help.

**Samantha Stephens: **I will. And I believe that a "thank you" is in order.

**Walter: **I never say "thank you." Or "please," for that matter.

**Dorothy Zbornak: **(_walking up to Walter_) Who taught you manners? Larry the Cable Guy?

**Samantha Stephens: **(_to Dorothy_) I've never seen you around the neighborhood before.

**Dorothy Zbornak: **You know, I've never seen you either. Are you new to Miami?

**Samantha Stephens: **Miami? You must be confused. We live in Connecticut, not Florida.

**Dorothy Zbornak: **Since when do palm trees grow in Connecticut? Come on, what's the joke here?

**Samantha Stephens: **(_smiling_) Oh, I see. (_whispering to Darrin_) She has dementia.

**Dorothy Zbornak: **I heard that! Look, what's going on here?

**Samantha Stephens: **I have no idea. (_looks around and gasps_) Darrin! This isn't our neighborhood!

**Darrin Stephens: **Honey, you're right!

**Dorothy Zbornak: **This isn't my neighborhood either!

**Rhoda Morgenstern: **(_walking up to them_) Hey, how did I get here?

**Samantha Stephens: **Probably the same way that we did.

**Rhoda Morgenstern: **How's that?

**Dorothy Zbornak: **Arnold Schwarzenegger carried us here on his horse and buggy.

**Rhoda Morgenstern: **What?

**Samantha Stephens: **We have no idea how we got here.

**Blanche Devereaux: **(_walking up to Walter flirtatiously_) Why, hello there, handsome! I'm Blanche Devereaux. And you are?

**Walter: **Walter. Walter Meeney.

**Blanche Devereaux: **No! Not _the_ Walter Meeney? The man who stole Shirley Feeney away from her friends?

**Walter: **That's me. But wait...how did you know...?

**Blanche Devereaux: **(_fuming with anger_) Oh, I could just scratch your eyes out! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! DROP DEAD!

Walter drops dead.

**Dorothy Zbornak: **(_walking over to Blanche, aghast_)Blanche! What happened? Somebody has to call 911!

**Blanche Devereaux: **Dorothy, do you know who this man is?

**Dorothy Zbornak: **Sean "Puffy" Combs?

**Blanche Devereaux: **No! Walter Meeney, Dorothy, Walter Meeney!

**Dorothy Zbornak: **No...you don't mean _the_ Walter Meeney, do you?

**Blanche Devereaux: **The one and only!

**Dorothy Zbornak: **(_gasps_) Oh my God!

**Blanche Devereaux: **Scum!

**Dorothy Zbornak: **Lowlife!

**Blanche Devereaux: **Trash!

**Dorothy Zbornak: **Rat!

**Rose Nylund: **(_running over to them_) Girls! What happened to this poor man?

**Dorothy Zbornak: **He choked on a Swedish meatball.

**Rose Nylund: **Oh, no! We need to get help!

**Blanche Devereaux: **No, Rose! You don't understand! This is Walter Meeney!

**Rose Nylund: **Who's Walter Meeney?

**Dorothy Zbornak: **One of the Osmond brothers, Rose.

**Rose Nylund: **Really? I thought there were only five! Let's see...there was Donny, Jay, Merrill...

**Blanche Devereaux: **Who cares, you nitwit? Didn't you ever watch _Laverne and Shirley_?

**Rose Nylund: **No. I never did watch much TV. You see, this is sort of embarrassing, but Charlie would come home at six, and...

**Dorothy Zbornak: **We know, we know!

**Blanche Devereaux: **Go on, Rose...

**Dorothy Zbornak: **Shut up, Blanche! Look, Rose, this man is the most disgusting excuse for a human being who ever walked this Earth.

**Rose Nylund: **What did he do that was so bad?

**Dorothy Zbornak: **He ripped a tag off a mattress at a Howard Johnson's and tried to blame it on Charles Nelson Reilly.

**Rose Nylund: **(_gasps_)He ought to be ashamed of himself! (_kicks Walter's body_)

**Blanche Devereaux: **Good idea!

All three girls start kicking Walter's body, and Samantha, Darrin, and Rhoda soon join in on the fun.

**Dorothy Zbornak: **Say, why don't we all go have a bite to eat?

**Rhoda Morgenstern: **Hey, kid, that would be great! I don't know about you, but my thighs are begging me for a cheeseburger.

**Dorothy Zbornak: **My thighs don't generally speak to me.

**Rose Nylund: **Dorothy, she was using personification.

**Dorothy Zbornak: **(_shocked by Rose's sudden intelligent thought_)What did you just say?

**Rose Nylund: **Dorothy, you're an English teacher! You, of all people, should know what personification is!

**Dorothy Zbornak: **But how do _you_ know what it is?

**Rose Nylund: **Well, back in St. Olaf...

**Dorothy Zbornak: **(_interrupting_) Never mind, Rose. Lunch, everybody?

Everybody leaves to go to lunch, leaving Walter's dead body in the middle of the street. Meanwhile, turmoil erupts at the Brady residence.

**Jan Brady: **(_storming out of the kitchen_) It's just not fair! I finally meet someone who understands my pain, and Dad throws him out of the house! And worse, Bobby sends the stupid dog – who I'm allergic to – after him to feast on his guts! I hate my life! (_runs up the stairs_)

**Carol Brady: **(_walking out of the kitchen_) Jan! I told you that...(_notices the broken vase on the floor and begins to sob_) My favorite vase! It's broken! Who did this? (_yelling into the kitchen_) Bobby! I told you not to play ball in the house!

**Bobby Brady: **(_walking out of the kitchen_) I didn't do it! Say, Mom, have you seen Tiger?

Tiger never returns from the unknown depths of the magical parallel universe to which Samantha Stephens has sent him, and the Bradys eternally wonder about his whereabouts.

**Life 8**

Walter wakes up on the bench of a restaurant booth.

**Walter: **This place seems oddly familiar...

Arnold comes to Walter's table.

**Arnold: **Hello! Welcome to Arnold's. I'm Arnold.

**Walter: **Charming.

**Arnold: **Can I get you something to eat?

**Walter: **Do you have caramelized pears?

**Arnold: **No.

**Walter: **Then, what do you have?

**Arnold: **Hamburgers.

**Walter: **Ha! I should have known!

**Arnold: **Want a hamburger?

**Walter: **A hamburger? I'd rather die!

**Arnold: **I hope you get your wish.

As Arnold walks away, Fonzie and Richie walk through the entrance.

**Fonzie: **Ayyyyyy! The Fonz is here!

**Walter: **(_to himself_) The Fonz? I remember Shirley talking about someone named the Fonz.

**Fonzie: **(_walking over to Walter_) Ayyyyyy! You must be new here. I'm the Fonz, and this here is my friend Richie Cunningham.

**Richie: **Hi! What's your name?

**Walter: **(_annoyed_) Walter Meeney. And I'm leaving now. Goodbye.

Walter gets up from the table and starts to walk toward the exit.

**Fonzie: **Hold up, fatso!

Fonzie's coolness freezes Walter in his tracks.

**Fonzie: **(_approaching Walter_) Did you say Walter Meeney?

**Walter: **Yes.

**Fonzie: **As in the "married to Shirley Feeney" Walter Meeney?

**Walter: **Not anymore. We're divorcing.

**Fonzie: **She never shoulda married you. I know your type, Mr. Fancy Pants Doctor. Shirley deserves someone classy like the Fonz.

**Walter: **Shirley would never marry you. Not now that she's amongst the Los Angeles elite. You're too low class.

The restaurant crowd gasps.

**Fonzie: **Are my ears deceivin' me? Did you just call the Fonz "low class?"

The crowd gasps again.

**Walter: **That's right.

**Fonzie: **(_cracking his knuckles_) I'll show you who's low class. And to show you what a good sport I am, I'll even let ya have the first punch.

**Walter: **(_snorts_) A fistfight? Yeah, that's classy.

**Fonzie: **Ayyy! You know what? You're right. I've got a better way.

**Walter: **And what's that?

**Fonzie: **Walter Meeney, I order you to die! (_snaps his fingers_) Ayyy!

Walter, powerless against Fonzie's utter coolness, drops dead. The crowd applauds.

**Richie: **Wow, Fonz! Nice job!

**Fonzie: **(_slicking back his hair_) It's all in a day's work.

**Richie: **Say, now that Walter's dead, do you think I could date Shirley?

**Fonzie: **What about Laurie Beth?

**Richie: **She left me for Ralph Malph.

**Fonzie: **Ouch, that's gotta hurt.

**Richie: **So, what do you think? Do you think I stand a chance with her?

**Fonzie: **Nah, Rich. That's the Fonz's department, if ya know what I mean.

**Richie: **Oh, I see.

**Fonzie: **But I'll tell ya what – just because I'm so nice, I'll let ya go out with Pinky tonight.

**Richie: **Gee, Fonz! Thanks!

**Fonzie: **It's cool. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go get ready for my hot date tonight.

**Richie: **Who are you going out with?

**Fonzie: **Marion.

**Richie: **(_bewildered_) Marion who?

**Fonzie:** Marion, your mother.

Richie faints. Meanwhile, Arnold throws Walter's body in the dumpster.

**Life 9**

As a door slams, Walter awakens with a start. He stares inquisitively at the bright blue couch beneath him.

**Laverne: **(_coming closer to Walter_) Hey! What are ya doing on my couch, bananaface?

**Walter: **Laverne? Why am I here?

**Laverne: **Well, I dunno! Shirley sure as heck didn't bring ya here, you creepo!

**Walter: **I take it she told you about the divorce.

**Laverne: **She told me everything! Who do ya think you are? You treated her like dirt!

Laverne picks up a baseball bat from the entryway and begins to head toward Walter, tapping the bat in her palm.

**Walter: **(_backing up_) Now, Laverne, don't be hasty...you don't know my side of this...

**Laverne: **Alright. I'm a fair girl. I'll listen. Now, lemme ask you something: who is Justine?

**Walter: **Justine who? I don't know anyone named Justine.

**Laverne: **Liar! I don't like you, Walter Meeney, and I never have. (_walks toward the door and opens it_) I want you to get out of my house. (_motions out the door_)

**Walter: **Fine. (_walks toward the door_)

Carmine walks through the door.

**Carmine: **(_seeing Walter_) Oh, it's you!

Carmine punches Walter in the face and knocks him out.

**Laverne: **Nice job!

**Carmine: **Yeah, well, he deserved it.

**Laverne: **Yeah! I can't think of a bigger lowlife on this earth.

Lenny and Squiggy walk in.

**Squiggy: **Hello!

**Lenny: **(_pointing to Walter_) Hey! Isn't that the mummy?

**Laverne: **That's him.

**Lenny: **How'd he get here?

**Laverne: **I have no idea. But could you get him outta here?

**Lenny: **Sure! Come on, Squig, let's put him in the ice cream truck. That way he won't smell up Laverne's apartment as he, ya know, rots away.

**Laverne: **Lenny, no! He's not dead...yet.

**Lenny: **Are you sayin' we should kill him?

**Laverne: **Why not, Len? I don't see no cops around.

**Lenny: **(_shrugs_) Okay.

**Laverne: **Carmine, you in?

**Carmine: **Sure thing.

**Laverne: **Squig?

**Squiggy: **I am...astronaushed! You call yourselves human benings?

**Laverne: **I'll pay ya three bucks.

**Squiggy: **Well...I never liked old dummy mummy anyways.

**Laverne: **Okay, here's the plan. When I say go, we all punch him right in the nose.

**Carmine: **That's how you're gonna kill him? That ain't gonna work!

**Laverne: **Oh, yeah? And what would you do, Carmine? Have a dance war?

**Carmine: **I ain't no fruitcake! Look, punching him ain't gonna kill him, Laverne! We need a weapon.

**Laverne: **And just where are we gonna get a weapon?

**Lenny: **How 'bout a kitchen knife?

**Laverne: **Too obvious.

**Squiggy: **A stream reamer?

**Laverne: **A what? No!

**Carmine: **A candlestick?

**Laverne: **Too...Tim Curry.

**Carmine: **Who?

**Lenny: **Hey! I shot that guy!

**Laverne: **What?

**Lenny: **I'm a secret agent for the FBI.

**Laverne: **Yeah. And I'm Betty Grable. I just disguise myself with skinny ankles to confuse my fan club.

**Carmine: **I'm lost.

**Squiggy: **In space?

**Laverne: **What is goin' on here?

**Lenny:** I dunno.

**Laverne: **Can we get back to talkin' 'bout trashbag here? We don't got much time before he wakes up!

Boo-Boo Kitty suddenly appears on the couch.

**Lenny: **Hey! Where'd that come from?

**Squiggy: **It's a sign!

**Laverne: **I've got it!

Laverne runs over to the couch and picks up Boo-Boo Kitty.

**Laverne: **We'll use this.

**Carmine: **A stuffed cat? Laverne, it's a pillow!

**Laverne: **Well, as Shirley would say, the world would be a far better place if everyone used pillows.

Laverne smacks Walter in the head with Boo-Boo Kitty. Walter disappears, leaving behind only a pile of ashes.

**Laverne: **We did it!

**Carmine: **(_using "Hi Sailor" pillows for pom-poms_) You can do it if you try! V-I-C-T-O-R-Y! Victory!

Laverne, Lenny, and Squiggy stare at Carmine in shock.

**Carmine:** Sorry. I got carried away.

**Squiggy: **Yeah, squat-so? By whose red balloon?

**Laverne: **This makes no sense.

**Lenny: **Is it over?

**Laverne: **Yeah, Len. It's over.

**THE END!**

**And as for our friends...**

**Walter Meeney **actually died that last time. His spirit is said to haunt nine different cities.

**Shirley Feeney** moved back to California with Laverne where she dates Carmine on weekdays and Richie Cunningham on Saturdays. She takes Sundays off to pour arsenic over Walter's ashes, which were scattered in the sandbox of the playground of the neighborhood elementary school.

**Laverne DeFazio** became roommates with Shirley again. She dates Lenny during the rare times that he returns to California.

**Lenny Kosnowski** really was a FBI agent. He recently solved a murder case in which one of the Go-Gos wound up dead on the doorstep of a house inhabited by Martin Mull.

**Squiggy **started up a band with Sonny St. James and Rhonda called "Squiggy and the Jets." Their album went double platinum.

**Carmine Ragusa** became the cheerleading coach at Burbank High. He dates Shirley during the week and Squiggy on the weekends.

**Fonzie **broke up the Cunningham's marriage and moved in with Marion. He is still phenomenally cool.

**Richie Cunningham **was distraught over the breakup of his parents' marriage. He moved to Burbank, where he is now juggling seven women. Each thinks that she is his one and only.

**Arnold** still owns Arnold's.

**Tiger** was never found.

**Jan Brady **never found another person who could understand the depths of her anguish.

**Greg Brady **and **Marcia Brady **got married and had sixteen beautiful baby boys.

**Cindy Brady **is an old maid who lives on a ranch in South Dakota with Kitty Carry All and a frog named Otis.

**Bobby Brady **is a Maytag repairman.

**Peter Brady** owns a karaoke bar in Milwaukee. Rosie Greenbaum stops by every Tuesday to sing "Baby Got Back."

**Mike Brady **dumped Carol for Alice.

**Alice Nelson** gave in to Mr. Brady's demands and never forgave herself for becoming a backstabbing harlot.

**Carol Brady** married Sam the butcher.

**Darrin Stephens** was replaced with a robot of the same name.

**Samantha Stephens** never noticed that her husband had changed. She thought that maybe his ears had just shrunk a little.

**Dorothy Zbornak **went back to Miami where she later became a leading campaigner for Cheney.

**Blanche Devereaux ** was so disgusted with Walter that she gave up men for good and took up with a billy goat.

**Rose Nylund **went back to college and earned a degree in computer science. She got a job at NASA, and when she was 94, she became the first person to walk on Saturn.

**Rhoda Morgenstern **divorced Joe, moved back to Minneapolis, and eloped with Ted Baxter. Georgette was so furious that she burned down WJM.

**Mortimer Brewster **found three more bodies in the windowseat.

**Martha Brewster **and **Abby Brewster** were taken to an insane asylum, where they received deep psychological treatment from Frasier Crane.

"**Teddy Roosevelt" **never finished the Panama Canal.

**Frasier Crane **went to work at a double-security prison for serial killers. He finds the environment much more peaceful than that vile retirement home.

**Sophia Petrillo** escaped from Shady Pines. She caught up with Cheech and Chong while hitchhiking on the freeway, and the three of them have been having a jolly good time ever since.

**Jeannie** became Brangelina's publicity genie and must plaster their names all over the magazines whenever they demand it.

**Paris Hilton** got bombed one night and ran to Vegas with Verne Troyer. He refuses to sign the divorce papers.

**Paul Blart** got fired from the precinct. He joined a dating website, but sadly, nobody has winked at him. He cries himself to sleep every night.

**NOW IT'S REALLY THE END**


End file.
